What is Turmoil?

Turmoil is an internal confusion caused by external rejection or abandonment by family, peers, school, or sports.

Why does Turmoil occur?

Turmoil occurs in a child when they are lacking a sense of identity or a sense of self. When a teenager starts feeling insecure about who they are and where they belong in life and with others, they internalize it and at times anger, low self-worth or value is developed which ultimately transforms into depression or anxiety. The number one complaint I hear from teenagers is, “I don’t like who I am”. In other words, "I am lacking love, acceptance, and affirmation in relationships" or, "I am not being embraced by my friends or family the way I expected to be or in a way I feel I deserve."

As parents, we need to understand that our children’s brains are still developing and that it takes years (mid-to-late twenties) until it is fully developed. Because of this, children lack the internal structure and component that adults have that builds self-value and self-worth and because of that they need their external structure (parents, family, pastor, coach, boyfriend/girlfriend or peers) to value them. This is crucial, especially during the teenage years, when a child is trying to form their identity and is searching for acceptance. At times, if the relationship between the child and the parent is distant, the child will search for this value in relationships with the opposite sex, including sexual relationships, and as well with drugs and alcohol.

There are three things children, especially teenagers, always need from their parents: 

1. Validation - This is huge for daughters, especially those with issues of eating disorders and among a culture where beauty and perfection of the woman’s body is glamorized. Parents need to validate their daughters so they don’t go find validation from men in an inappropriate way. A parent who validates their daughter will develop a secure child. Validation for anyone will help build their confidence and self-worth. Validation helps eliminate any concerns or awkwardness they may be feeling about themselves. In addition, validation makes a child feel supported and not alone. 

2. Affirmation - The simplest way for a child to feel affirmed is through empathy and active listening. Empathy is the capacity to recognize and understand your child’s point of view, thoughts or emotions. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes," or in some way experience the outlook or emotions of your child by using words and non-verbal communication. Active listening is important in making sure your child feels heard. It is a technique for improving your understanding of what is being said by taking into account how your child is saying it (loud, soft, with anger, sorrow, etc.) and the non-verbal signs and body language that accompany it. This technique requires receptive awareness and response on the part of the listener. The core of active listening includes clarifying perceptions of what is said; restating essential points and ideas; reflecting on the child's feeling and opinions; summarizing the content of the message to check validity; and lastly acknowledging their opinion and thanking the child for coming to you and trusting you to confide in.

3. Patience - Every parent needs to practice this with their children. Patience is especially important for boys since they naturally gravitate towards being wild at heart due to the hormone testosterone. A parent who is patient with their son will develop a secure child. Patience allows a child to feel secure and safe with their parent. We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people where mistakes are inevidible, but these mistakes are an avenue to learning life’s lessons. During these times where our children may be rebelling or making mistakes, we must remember to model patience. Our human instinct is to be emotionally reactant and use negative words that result in shaming our children or damaging their hearts, self-worth and identity. You often see this when parents end up apologizing to their children for hurtful things they've said to them because they didn’t take a moment to cool off and gather their thoughts and process their emotions before confronting the child or giving them a consequence.

How to react to your child’s turmoil?

How you react to your child’s turmoil is crucial to their development. They are turning to you to see the “how”:

How should I react when I am angry?
How should I treat others when I am stressed out?
How do I talk to others when I am mad?
How do I overcome times of depression?
How do I respond when I feel anxious?
How do I cope with________?

They are looking to you to learn how to react and respond to life’s hardships. You are the model, the teacher of the "how to’s” of life. Teaching with words can be effective, but the most effective teaching tool is modeling what you want in their life by living it in your life. The easiest way to put this is caught vs. taught. Meaning kids will catch what their parents are doing or saying and will start modeling it to others. It’s not enough to lecture your children. Words are powerful, but your behaviors and how you relate to your spouse and others is even more powerful.

So how do you teach your children basic coping skills and fundamentals of life? It is easy:

React vs. Reflect - How to react to anger and stress. (Coming Soon)
Humility vs. Hostility - How to react to rejection or pain. (Coming Soon)
Success vs. Significance – How to react to disappointment and failures. (Coming Soon)